Note: this is not a post about adorning one’s nether regions with glowsticks, or any other neon material.
If that’s what you’re after, I advise you look elsewhere.
Or buy me several drinks.
No, this is about my quite sensational ineptitude with technology.
Or rather, Why I Am Shite At Phones.
The writing of this post was actually delayed when I left my phone (I post mostly using the WordPress app) in a restaurant for a few hours.
(I’d actually realised it wasn’t in my bag when we were in the restaurant, but assumed I’d left it in Number Three’s hotel room, where I was crashing/imposing/freeloading after a work training day in London. We settled back in the hotel bar and I was Just About to go up and check when the restaurant rang him to say they’d found it. I offered to go back alone, but we both knew I’d never be seen again. So off we trekked.)
((Number Three does not know that. I hope he doesn’t read this.))
(((Are double brackets a thing? Or triple, for that matter?)))
Anyway. Back to the point in hand.
I have a long history of being Shite At Phones.
I can’t tell you how many I’ve had – or how many extra I’ve had. But I’m on first-name, how’s-your-pet-cat terms with everyone at the insurance company.
Dropped it in a sink full of water? Done it.
Dropped it in a toilet? Done it, several times.
(Mistaken the dark mass for something else and flushed several times, while loudly cursing a poor, innocent (on that occasion) boyfriend? Done it.)
Dropped and effectively buried it in thick snow? Done it.
Dropped it down the back of a radiator, where it remained for days? Done it.
Carried the clutch bag containing the phone upside down, therefore losing the phone and all other contents of the bag? Done it.
Carried it in a coat pocket, which it fell out of, unnoticed, in Topshop? Done it.
Had it swept away by a massive wave, while peacefully sunbathing? Done it, although I’m not sure that was my fault.
Had it stolen from luggage while travelling? Done it, although I’m quite sure that wasn’t my fault.
Deliberately run a broken phone under a tap, because the bastard phone company refused to fix it, in order to submit an insurance claim? Definitely never done that.
Most recently, I launched a ten-month (approx) tirade of abuse against T-Mobile/EE (I don’t know which one is actually my network) on Twitter.
(If you have a complaint to make about anyone or anything, do it on Twitter. Slag them off publicly, and you’ll get an instant response.)
I had no phone signal in my flat and my phone only worked on loudspeaker.
So after months of harassment, culminating in the sending of two strongly-worded letters (to which they eventually replied, saying I’d HAVE to phone – “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you” – “I KNOW YOU BLOODY CAN’T, THAT’S WHY I WROTE TO YOU!”) they sent me a little signal-booster box.
I finally got reception, but anyone I phoned could still only hear me on loudspeaker.
I finally gave in and went to the repair place (having resisted for months, due to the stress suffered the last time I attempted to get it fixed. Which definitely did not end in me running it under the tap).
The very-nice-and-patient man took a tiny little needle, jiggled it about for approximately two seconds, and removed a minuscule piece of fluff from the microphone.
Actually – in hindsight – it might have been curry sauce.
And hey presto; Bob’s yer uncle; I’m Shite At Phones.
In other news, I’ve just been issued with a brand new company laptop and I’m apparently being given a phone soon, too.
That’s definitely not a bad idea, employers.
Not at all.
